Former Graduate Student, Department of Mathematics, University of Kentucky
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Update: (May 16, 2009) My attempt at self-employment seems to be
limping along. BUT, I feel very happy about it and upbeat. I think I
can make a go at it, which will give me complete freedom to
explore any research topics I like...in my spare time, LOL. But with a
little discipline I'll do fine. I have tried applying for permanent
positions in my field, but was only able to get one preliminary
interview. Maybe the economy will improve and a school will give me a
chance. Then again, perhaps I'll be well-enough-off that I won't bother
trying to work for academia. Concerning trans* stuff, I guess that my
biggest problem is that I had to find another doctor. The doctor I had
used for the last few years moved away from the sliding scale clinic
and started his own practice. I just can not justify paying almost
$200 just to get a prescription. So, I went back to the sliding
scale clinic and had to go through the whole " I'm trans "
thing with a new doctor. Ugh.
Update: (November 15, 2008)Well, I guess that I've beat my old
record and waited almost 2 years before making an update. So much has
happened in the last 2 years it's impossible to write it all here. I
don't think I have much to say about being trans. It is what it is.
I've been pretty out lately and even took a job working at a GLBTQ
community center to see if there were things I could do for that part
of my community. Let me back up a bit and talk about the job I
mentioned in the previous post. Some of my colleagues and students
noticed my new personal website and asked me about the trans thing. I
didn't get any backlash (at least not I was aware of) but heard lots of
curiosity about it. So, I was out, but not in an obvious way (no
rainbow stickers in my office!). I was frustrated with that position
and my profession so I struck out to try a new career path at the
GLBTQ community center and take on some self-employment.
I'll write more about that at a later date. In my personal life, I had
met someone new back in 2006 and we became very close. Unfortunately it
didn't work out; hard to explain why...there were many reasons. A small
part of it was related to my anatomy, which saddens me since I can do
little about this and the guy seemed to censor himself whenever he
tried to express his frustrations so his feelings were suppressed as
well. There were some other issues, too, regarding expectations about
our relationship; I guess I wanted to be too close. Well, I'm taking a
little break now from getting close to people. In the meantime I
haven't let up with my normal extracurricular fistivities! If I had to
summarize, my being
trans is more and more becoming something I think little about. I am
who I am and I am happy with what others call my transformation.
Update: (December 15, 2006) Wow, it's been a whole year since I've
written an update. Shameful! To follow up on my Dec 6 2005 posting: my
surgery went great and my chest is looking nice (IMHO); I've
been working out and
my body and mind are in a much better place. My new job has been going
well although there haven't been many opportunities to be "out". One
person did look closely at my CV and asked me if I was transgendered.
I said yes and we discussed it briefly. So far, so good. Overall, my
life feels much more complete although I am still waiting for the "next
stage" where I will find a more permanent job, move to a community where
I can make my home for many years, and (hopefully) find a partner.
Update: (December 6, 2005) I haven't updated this lately. I guess I
haven't had much to write. I've been working hard and spending my free
time re-organizing my mind and body. I've been lifting weights and
jogging and am starting to feel like I'm getting back in shape, both
body and mind. I have a
third surgery scheduled on December 14th and am looking forward to
having my chest finished. (I hope this will
be the last surgery on my chest.) I start teaching again next semester
so I suspect I'll be super busy then.
Update: (October 4, 2005) A lot has happened since my last update. I
chose between job offers on opposite coasts and I
decided to accept a 3 year postdoctoral fellowship with the National
Research Council which will keep me in the NYC area.
Now I am concentrating on research and next semester I will be
teaching cadets at a local 4 year college. I haven't been very out
(either as gay or trans*) on my
new job, but the topic hasn't yet come up so I see no reason to make a
special point of it.
My resume does list my involvement with GLB and Trans* groups so
certainly the folks who hired me have some thoughts about me.
I have scheduled what I hope will be the final stage of my chest surgery
for December. I'll keep you posted.
Update: (February 10, 2005) I'm still working on job applications. I've
got a few hot leads in the works. I hope to report that I have a job
soon!
Update: (December 23, 2004) I turned in the final copy of my
dissertation on December 16th at 4:25pm. So, it looks like I'm finally
finished. Now...for the job search...
Update: (December 2, 2004) I defended my dissertation today. It probably
wasn't the most elegant defense, but I made it through and came out
intact on the other side. My committee has some legitimate changes and
additions that need to be put into my dissertation before I file it with
the graduate school, so I'm still working hard.
Update: (November 4, 2004) I'm still working away to be ready for my
defense. Not getting much sleep, but things are coming together. I'm
also starting more serious job searches and will be at the
Employment Center at the AMS Joint Meetings in January.
Recently I contacted the Meredith College alumni rep to ask
whether it would be possible to list my doctoral defense in the Current
News column in the alumni bulletin News using male pronouns. I explained
that I was only asking Meredith College to recognize me as
male now, not during my time as a student there. She sent my request to
a higher-up and there was no problem granting my request. Also, much to
my happiness, the alumni bulletins now come addressed as *Mr.* I'm pretty
happy that this all-woman's college in the South is standing
by their graduate.
Update: (October 10 2004) It looks like I finally have a defense date!
My target date is December 2 2004. That means I'm working like crazy to
finish the final draft so that my committee can review it before signing
the appropriate paperwork recommending to the Graduate School that I can
defend it.
(Older Updates deleted...)
Original AWM Posting
from the "Supporting the Diverse Personal Lives of Mathematicians"
Forum
I'm writing in this forum to contribute my voice as a mathematician, a gay
man, a transman, and as someone who was raised as a female in the United States.
In particular, my goals here are to let transgendered mathematicians know
that there other transgendered people out there and to attempt to destigmatize
transsexuality and transgenderism by bringing it out in the open.
Let me skip my childhood but give some background about my personal life
leading up to graduate school. I went to the North Carolina School of Science
& Math for my junior and senior years of high school. I met some wonderful
friends there but I felt increasingly isolated with being required to live
in the girls' dormitory. I spent a lot of time discussing this uncomfortable
arrangement with the school counselor. There were other issues during that
time but the end result was depression. I left there March of my senior year
and moved in with a boy friend. With the pressure of school and of trying
to conform off of me, some of the depression lifted. I won't go into too
many details about the next few years but it suffices to say that I continued
to spend a lot of mental energy thinking about society's rules and how I
fit into society. After a few years of regular income and relative stability
I started to think about my future. I knew that I wanted not just a bachelor's
degree but a higher degree as well. I decided I wanted a career that gave
me some flexibility over my daily schedule and a job that allowed me to wear
clothing that was comfortable for me, which for me meant no female dress
clothes. Combining that with my own personal conviction that I was intelligent
and capable, I decided I wanted to become a college professor.
So, I went to college. My first two years I attended a community college.
Then I transferred to a local four-year private college for women, Meredith
College. I liked the small size and the seriousness of the students. I also
thought that perhaps I just needed to develop some close friendships with
women and many of the confusing thoughts I had would go away. I did well
at Meredith but being around so many women only increased my feelings of
being different. I began to think that perhaps I was a lesbian. After visiting
many graduate schools, I chose University of Kentucky. The department was
one of the friendliest I had contacted and after only a weekend visit I had
already learned the location of a local gay bar. There seemed to be an open
and thriving gay culture there which was important for my plans to "explore
my sexuality".
I started graduate school in 1996. In the spring semester I went to a few
meetings of the student GLBT group, but my confusion was still there. I didn't
meet any women I was attracted to, and by talking to the lesbians at the
meetings it seemed I still had not found others with feelings like mine.
My attraction to men, however, was still strong, and I was confused by this
because if I was a lesbian, how could I still be attracted to men? I realized
that feeling masculine is not the same thing as being a lesbian, but this
realization did not explain my feelings. I didn't feel attracted to straight
men, but gay men were not interested in me. Bisexual men saw me simply as
a butch women and I had not met any women who seemed right for me. Then one
day a local transwoman came to speak to the GLBT group about transgenderism.
I was dumb-founded. Here was a woman sitting across from me who was saying
many of the things I had always felt but that no one else had ever seemed
to understand. I realized my feelings were not about sexual orientation but
gender identification.
I learned there was a small conference about transgenderism taking place
within driving distance. I went and instantly felt like I had found people
who could finally understand me. The feelings inside of me suddenly were
starting to make sense and I finally had a name for them. The realization
that my feelings had a name was somewhat a dual-edge sword. On one hand, I
felt elated that I had finally found "my people". On the other hand, I was
overwhelmed with the idea of the changes that seemed necessary. I was unable
to stop my fall into another depression.
At this point, I had passed the preliminary exams, passed the language exam,
and chosen an advisor. With these intense exams and coursework completed,
I had fewer ways to suppress my emotions through studying. Then my advisor
wanted me to wait another year before taking the qualifying exam. So, I felt
adrift in my studies and I could sense that my ability for deep thinking was
not functioning properly. I started to withdraw from friends and family, sometimes
had panic attacks on campus, and upset my office mates with fits of anger.
My advisor was supporting me with a research assistantship so I was blessed
with not having to teach a course during this time.
I began to see a therapist. I initially presented to the therapist complaining
about anger, depression, and told her that I thought perhaps I had a body
image problem. After a few sessions the words "transgendered" and "transsexual"
began to formally surface. Explaining that she felt unqualified to help me
further, she suggested another therapist. At this point, there was a glitch,
so to speak, in the progression of things. My advisor had arranged for me
to work with a researcher in Idaho so I went away for three months to live
in Idaho, during which time I basically held on day-to-day with the promise
that my new therapist would be able to help me when I returned. Without that
lifeline, I might not have survived those three months.
When I returned to Kentucky, the new therapist and I worked very hard. In
the meantime I slogged through my qualifying exam. After about a year I felt
confident enough in my feelings to tell not only my close friends and my family,
but also my department chair, director of graduate studies, and advisor that
I was going to change my outward gender from female to male.
The chair, DGS, and my advisor were all extremely helpful. I had been very
worried that all the time I had spent in graduate school would come to a crashing
end, but I was happy to learn that they would be accepting of the situation.
In fact, I was told that I was not the first transsexual mathematician they
had known -- a pleasant surprise for me for I really felt quite alone. (I
have no idea who this other trans* mathematician is, so if you're reading
this, I'd enjoy meeting you.)
After all the hard work with my therapist much of my depression had lifted
and I began to feel my ability to concentrate was returning. There were some
complications, of course. The registrar didn't want to alter my records to
reflect me as male. The DGS made a few phone calls and helped me out. Also,
because of discriminatory Social Security rules, my SS information and my
employment information now did not match. (This was never resolved and I have
suspect it will cause problems in the future for me as well.)
Being able to finally express my full personality allowed me to be able
to continue my life. My brain and body were more fully integrated and slowly
my ability to think clearly and deeply was being restored. My advisor stood
beside me the entire time and has always done his best to support me financially
in terms of conferences, fellowships, etc.
If my department had been unable to accept my transition, it would have
effectively ended my pursuit for a PhD in mathematics. This was one possibility
I had explored in therapy but I am very happy that I was not forced to choose
between my personal happiness and my interest in mathematics. However,
there was a period of about two years when I was completely absorbed with
the personal conflict between my outward and inward genders which is "lost
time" towards my doctoral degree. I wish that I had been able to resolve
these personal issues before starting a graduate program, but we cannot go
back and change time. There are still transition related issues involving
expensive surgeries and governmental bureaucracies ill-equipped to deal fairly
with trans* people. My immediate career will definitely be affected by these
two items. I expect my future employment to be affected by health insurance
usability concerns, security clearances issues, and potential confusion about
my identity or past. I truly believe that the decision to be "out" about
being a transman will simplify my life. I have no shame in who I am or my
history and I believe that my unique background of being raised as a female
is a benefit.
My department provided support in many ways. Besides what I mentioned earlier,
the DGS assisted by being sure that the department was appropriately notified
about my change and assured me that the "bathroom issue" would not be an issue
for our department. The chair graciously offered to help me as necessary.
My advisor simply stuck by me which was especially important to me. All departmental
members have made the transition to using male pronouns when speaking about
me and I've never been questioned in the restroom.
I believe the mathematics community can be more supportive by allowing trans*
people a way to distinguish themselves on standard forms (e.g. registration
forms). It was always difficult for me to choose a category for sex or gender.
I think that including a way to indicate that someone identifies as both male
and female, neither male nor female, or another classification altogether
on forms where sex or gender is used for statistics or classification could
help transgendered people become more visible and feel more accepted.
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